Dear John

Generate your own “Dear John” letter!

Dear John,

By the time you read this, I’ll be blowing your best friend. I’m sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of a shock to you - especially because you’re such a materialistic self-absorbed bitch. But I’m sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn’t a human potato sack. I think you’re a psychopath, but I don’t think we’re right for each other. First of all, we’re not compatible. You’re a German Scat Aficionado, and I’m vastly superior to you. You like declawed rodentia colonics, you eat with your feet, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don’t like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is Patch Adams, and your favorite band is N SYNCH. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said “Nuke me some fucking hash browns!”. Anyway, I want to date an entire troupe of Chippendales. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally file restraining orders . We had some good times, or so it looks on the videotape (even though I’m passed out) . But please, don’t get all John Wayne Gacy like last time. That means no holding my parents hostage. And look - I won’t even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you punched my grandmother. So take care of yourself - and O.D. on Botox.

Stop Calling Me,

Kevin

P.S. It’s barely 4 inches - much less six.

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