那一年,我十八岁,过得很幸福。
十八岁那年,我在一所大学里生活。大学里的一切都很纯粹,蓝色的天空,灰色的教学楼,黝黑的路面。线条平直,偶尔有几条弧线,是砖石砌的中国屋顶。楼宇无意识地横立在天下和地上,拦住了眼神的目光。校园里大约只有这三种颜色。
他们说,能在大学里生活,我很幸福。我有什么理由不感到幸福呢?
他们治理了天空。没有风从蒙古高原吹来的时候,天空是蓝色的,偶尔天空会变成灰色,似乎对过去的样子有所缅怀。当我看到它灰色的模样,我想起村口老人的脸,沟壑中带着尘土,散发着刺鼻的劣质烟草味。我知道他们把工厂都搬走了,到了河北更远的地方去。有些人因此失去了工作,有些人获得了北京的尘烟,有些人既失去了工作又只剩下灰白菜。
他们盖起了高楼。他们说,教学楼必须整齐有序。我尝试为这种想法寻找依据,后来我找到了。我看到从高空俯瞰一切的宣传片。地面整齐划一,延伸到天边。在这种简单重复的庄严中,每一栋楼都在高呼着永恒,这时毁灭是比太阳氦闪更被遗忘的事。他们在规划的时候,看着沙盘,挥动着激光笔,一定也感受到了这种庄严。
他们说,这里是最好的家园,于是要严防可疑份子,尤其是境外势力。据说境外势力无孔不入,青年学生、上班族、农民、医护工作者、退休老人、知识分子、快递员、建筑工人等群体都已经被他们渗透。他们说我们是祖国的未来,一定要保护好自己,不能被境外势力沾染。我没有见过境外势力,如果说学校里的留学生不算境外势力的话。我想,境外势力一定像爱情一样醉人,像梅毒一样热烈,像丹霞一样丰富,否则怎么会有那么多人抵抗不住诱惑,一旦受到沾染就不反顾?
他们说,他们爱我们,要为学生提供帮助。校园里遍布着摄像头,哪怕是有人丢了一柄钥匙,他们也能在半小时内帮忙找到。如果有人从楼上跌下来,他们也能尽快控制现场。他们也用同样的科技手段对付猫。他们为所有猫编订了名片,并且贴心地为它们绝育,这样猫们就可以融入我们这个温馨的大家庭。他们在校园里,总是找一个合适的地方晒太阳或乘凉,然后就不再理人,任人摸它也不动,仿佛是毛茸茸的石头。我不清楚他们有没有尝试过这样对付鸽子。我猜他们做不到,因为鸽子没有户口,而且可以飞很远。但是我听说,近70年前,曾经有一场灭麻雀运动,几乎灭绝了中国的麻雀,所以我不敢担保他们会怎样对待鸽子。
他们说,校园是最温馨最安全的地方,所以非必要不出校。我不明白“非必要”是什么意思。考虑到校园里有生活所需的全部基本用品,所以一辈子不出校也不影响生存,这么说来好像没有什么出校是必要的——我不清楚他们是不是这个意思。曾经有同学和恋人隔着围栏聊天,结果被通报批评,因为他们不负责任的行为带来了感染风险。我觉得学校领导也有失职,因为他们没有为围墙设置足够的缓冲区。在这一点上他们大概忘了柏林墙的先进经验。我并不想提醒他们,毕竟指出领导的错误是有危险的。当校门终于扭扭捏捏地打开的时候,所有楼入口和校门都配备了刷脸机。预约经批准后,我才可以将脸伸到机器前。“严防境外势力”,我猜他们这样说,但最终他们什么也没说,大概是忘了。
这一年,我十八岁,今天是普通的一天。天空一如既往地蓝,像接线员的笑容一样标准。楼房一如既往地简洁,像是物理学家的模型。同学一如既往地三三两两,因为更大规模的自由聚集是不允许的。这一天我骑着自行车,按照惯常的路线回到寝室,共计451米的路途。经过同学们的时候,我总是听不到他们的声音,或许有人在聊出国,有人在议论老师,有人在谈恋爱,这些谈话总是带着隐秘的情调。我想加入他们,但是我总是不知道如何开口。当我鼓起勇气拍拍某个人的肩,看到他纯黑的眼眸,我就丧失了所有信心。
这一年,我十八岁,我还要这样生活三年。我不知道校外的生活是什么样子的。在我幸得出校的几次经验中,我看到城市像有机体一样搏动。当我站在城市里,地面就成为我躯体的延伸,感官不断扩大。地铁和公路是血管,载着城市的血液以供养城市;楼宇是城市的机体,为最原始的渴望而滋长蔓延。我想起了煤厂,黑色的煤穿行于地下,带着热能驱动机器。三年后,我大约也会如此在城市中穿行。
我不知道别人怎样看待自己的生活。其中有些人可能怀着隐秘的希望,觉得自己有一天能够换一种生活;有些人觉得现在的生活很不错,毕竟比起挣扎于生死之间的人,我们好太多。我不清楚有多少人和我一样,感受到现实的钝痛,对未来怀着似有似无的希望。我不喜欢这样的生活,也害怕这样生活下去。但是他们告诉我,我很幸福。 从物理学家的视角看,我在做某种周期运动,在我看来,这和静止一样接近于死亡。但几乎麻木的痛楚终究在提醒我,这种存在和死亡有些不同。能够证明自己的存在,大概是幸福的。我除了这种幸福以外一无所有。
十八岁的时候已经厌命而贪生。
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